We are multi-faceted. There's no way around it, I am an eclectic living being. No matter my efforts to show up in ways that worked for others when I was younger, I haven't been able to scoot an effort in to that for a good solid decade now. The box of boredom baffles me. It can be hard for the general population to hold space for knowing the grey areas of our lives are true. This is true and that is true. For some reason, today particularly, racism from and to on all sides has been weighing heavy on my chest.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't is my frustrated emotion today. It seems a relentless battle cry that "No one understands MY SIDE!" If you say to someone of a different culture that you are seeking to understand, you get back the comment, "You'll never understand. You haven't lived it." If you don't acknowledge your naivety, you have privilege's to ignore what's at hand. If you admire and thrive connecting to and living in ways that are another's "Culture", you find yourself being called out for appropriation of culture. If you're a white family that adopts a black child, you don't have the right mindset to raise said child in a way that keeps them connected to their roots. If you date a black man, you're stealing their good men. Before you send the hate mail, I have had each of these things said to me directly, more than once, much more.
I'm weary of the push pull conversations that are circulating around acceptance and love. If you say you don't see color, you're blasted that seeing color and offering children of color exposure to a representation of what they look like is important. So, it's important to see color. For that. (Laylie by the way has the snowglobe with the black ballerina, the books with people that look like her as the star, the black baby dolls...) If you say you see color, you're blasted for acknowledging that someone is different than you. My acceptance and love for myself is this. I do see color. I have had varying degrees of interacting with different races throughout my life. I see your skin tone. I love aspects of different cultures. If I could remember every 116 of my past lives, I would be a happy soul being able to have access to all of those experiences. I like R&B love songs, and Kevin Hart is one of my favorite actors in this world. I love Viking culture and the warrior energy that carried them through taking their adventures to new lands. I love Tibetan culture for all the ways it brings us an understanding of our energetic system and connection to a Higher Power. I love booty dancing in a club, I love the idea of old fashioned balls where everyone dressed up and danced on purpose. I love the fine art of painting and writing something beautiful and inspiring. I love my African waistbeads that remind me it's good to adorn my body and feel it as I shower and say "Thank you". I love the tenderness of men who honor their protector role and gentleness when their woman is in their hands. I love when I am dating a black man how my white hand looks in his. I love how big of a contrast there is in a photo of my Irish heritage daughter and my Ivory Coast daughter. Both of my husbands were white American males.
When I filled out that adoption paperwork I released it to God. The God and energy of all of these cultures, that whatever "right" child was supposed to come in to my home, I was willing. Do I wish I had more black people for Laylie to hang out with? You bet! But, me and my daughters don't go where judgement towards us is. And the fact is, I wish I could say more black people have welcomed us in to their homes and lives. But they haven't. Is that because I'm too white? Or is it because she's too black? Or is it because we as a family unit have turned too grey?
My heart is weary. I love my children. And I have loved men of varying colors. I'm weary of people telling one another what they assume is in their heart. Ask me. Help me know you better. Please, get to know us better.